Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
