You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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