your parents love me but you hate me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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