Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
