I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this boner is exhausting
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
