Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Life is so much better after having sex.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
