Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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