My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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