why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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