I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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