Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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