feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
