you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
