Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
