yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
