Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
