That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
