what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
