we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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