3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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