Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
