ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
