Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
