i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
being pregnant is like rehab
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
