i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
