I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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