I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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