I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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