But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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