I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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