I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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