i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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