I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
