I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
