I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
