I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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