I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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