my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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