so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
