This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
