OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
