I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
