The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
