Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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