Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sext me about skeletons
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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