Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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