Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
