I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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