In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
