Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
