so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
