I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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