He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
