exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
