So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
