just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
