i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.