She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Randomize
