I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
