I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
